JAL Thoughted

jokes and jokes and jokes

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this effing sweater!"
===================================
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those t! wo guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
===========================================
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was was more than a little angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him
=====================================
Two condoms are walking down the street, and they pass by a gay bar.

One condom turns to the other and says, "Hey, want to get s**t-faced?"
========================================
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder case?

All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.
===========================================
Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't f*in listen!

Q: How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

Q. What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A. A Rape victim

Q: What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A: A system that won't go down.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A bitch who won't do what she's told.

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker

Q: How do you know a female bartender is mad at you?
A: You find a string in your bloody Mary.

Q: What do you call a Gay Dinosaur
A: Megasorass

Q: What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur
A: Lickalotapus

Q: What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
A: Straight through the rib cage.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
===============================================
here's a nasty one....

Junior walks into mom and dads bedroom and sees dad's got mom bent over, taking care of business... dad sees him and winks at him and nods his head to tell him to leave the room...

later, dad starts thinking that he should go check on junior.. see if he's alright... he walks into juniors room and juniors got Gramma bent over and is taking care of business... dad says "what the hell are you doing son??"... Junior says....

"Not so F*&ING funny when it's your mom huh?!?!?"
==========================================
Scene: An eighteen wheeler parked on the shoulder... blinkers ON... and two men "going at it" under the truck
Highway Patrol Officer: What the hell are you doing?
Man on top: You see officer, my friend here is having a heart attack and I was helping him.
Highway Patrol Officer: Thats not how you help! You are suppose to give him mouth to mouth CPR.
Man of top: Thats how it started.
=============================================

Don't you hate it when you take your pregnant girlfriend to the doctor for her prenatal visit, and then you realize you locked your keys in the car? It's so embarassing when you have to go back in and ask for a clothes hanger.
================================================
There was a woman with no arms and no legs lying on a beach. A guy sees her and asks if he can do anything for her so she says, "Will you give me a kiss because I've never been kissed before?" He kisses her then asks "Is there anything else you need?" She says "Yeah, can you F*** me because I've never been F*** before?" So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says "Now you're F***ed."
=================================================
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks,
"Can you put me up for the night?"
============================================
How are Micheal Jackson and caviar alike?

They both come on little white crackers.
======================================
Husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching T.V.

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Honey, tell me something that is going to make me very happy and very sad at the same time."

She replys, "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends."
=========================================
A high school boy takes a girl with no legs out for dinner. When he brings her home she suggests they have sex. "Um, how are we gonna do that? he asks. "Simple," she says, "just lift me up and I'll hang on to a branch of the apple tree in our back yard." So he does, and when it's over he carries her to her back porch, where he is horrified to see her father sitting in a chair. Her father gets up, takes her from his arms and sets her down on the chair, and then turns to face the boy. The boy closes his eyes, waiting to get clobbered, but is surprised when her father shakes his hand and says, "Thank you, son." "What for?" the puzzled boy asks. "Last three boys left her hanging in the tree."
============================================
Man walks into a bar with a bag, walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey buddy, want to see something amazing?" Bartender says, "Sure," and so the man opens up the case, sits a small piano on the bar, followed by a foot high man who starts playing ragtime on the small piano. Bartender says, "Say, that is pretty amazing, where'd you find that?" Man responds, "Well, I was walking along the beach, stumbled across a lamp and out popped a genie. He said to me, 'I will grant you one wish and one wish only, so make sure you know what it is before you ask for it,' and let me tell you, buddy, I did NOT ask for a twelve inch PIANIST!"
==========================================
they were all found on Amazon.com forum. weird.

It ain’t her fault, she gotta catch ‘em all!

===================================
http://www.newsweek.com/id/124098

Chile's disaffected 'Pokemones' don't care much about politics. They're too busy having sex.

===================================

The birthday party extravaganza this weekend was fantastic... from what I remember. I don't recall very much, but I did hear some chick was all up on everyone. I don't think I got her name or bra size, but I do remember an article written in Newsweek from a while back which told of similar behavior exhibited by Chilean youth... en masse. So don't blame the girl, it's part of her culture. It's like telling a bear to stop hibernating, IT'S WHAT THEY DO!